I’m in the car a lot these days – to and from kids’ sports commitments, volunteer gigs, general responsibilities. Trying to simultaneously keep an eye/ear on the latest trends, pop culture, parenting advice, medical discussions – (like many of you) I turn to podcasts.

One of my faves is Las Culturistas – I like to think that tuning in to Matt and Bowen somehow allow my fifty-year-old ass to keep an ear tuned to the latest trends and topics: give me something to talk to the kids about while sounding vaguely topical. It is also is pretty entertaining. And heartfelt. And genuine. On a recent episode, the guest differentiated between thriving and surviving, and it got me thinking…

We continue to be in the thick of it these days. Run a business, nurture a 21+ year marriage, raise teenagers/young adults, balance ageing parents, navigate health scares: none of this is new, novel or unique. But it is hard. And consuming. And I am tired. Don’t get me wrong – I am crushing it – I am an OCD overachiever, but I am weary and a little beaten down at the moment, and tired. And I am struck by the question: am I thriving? Or am I just surviving?

We are supposed to be present, live in the ‘now’, not constantly look to the future days, weeks, months where some earth-shattering life changing event/item/person comes into our lives and cosmically shifts our centre, or conversely live in the past. And I do: I value my moments, revel in the small daily victories and connections that define my minutes and hours. There are a lot of great moments, with my family, my community, my friends. I am blessed and live a very, very full life. But am I thriving?

Having just turned 50, and now firmly in the back half of my existence, I have less fucks to give, and a clearer and firmer departure from the traditional obsequious sublimated female role within the patriarchy that I grew up with. I am using my voice more, and I am less inclined to be consumed with delivering messages in a pleasing tone and manner: more inclined to get my message across. I am present, and decisive, and self-directing. But am I thriving?

I don’t know.