changes

The Lockdown Continues

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I am unclear how to measure time right now.  When did we start physically distancing?  Was there a start date or did it slowly creep in?  First it was no masks, now it is masks:  keeping up with the news cycle is a herculean task in of itself.   I find myself breathless and numb every time I check the Canada.ca website for updates.  I am naturally anxious, and this pandemic isn’t helping.

Some days are good, some days are bad.  Some days are extremely dark.  I worry about my partner, who remains in the field (as we have been deemed an essential service) exposing himself to multiple job sites and people daily.  He practices physical distancing, he takes all necessary precautions, and washes his hands regularly.  However, he is a smoker over 40 who is not particularly healthy.   He brings germs home.  He exposes himself and our household every time he leaves the house.

But I must let these thoughts go.  I choose to focus on my children:  we colour Easter eggs, rainbows and hearts for the front window.  I organize a “Good Friday Frolic” – a visual Easter egg hunt for the children of the neighbourhood on Friday.   We will compete to see how many eggs we can ‘collect’ in our virtual baskets.

As a community, we have come together, apart.  I wave to my neighbours each night at the seven o’clock noise making party for the First Responders and Front Line Workers.  I check in with my elderly neighbours.  I marvel at their openness and honesty when we meet in the lane and (from a good 2 meters + apart) they admit they are afraid, and uncertain.  Our WhatsApp chat group has grown to include much of my entire block.  We are all learning Zoom.

I focus on each day at a time, and doing what I can to support my children, my husband and myself.  I try not to consider the awful consequences of one or both of us getting sick.  I withdraw emotionally and shut down frequently.  This is not a tidal wave of emotions, but instead a relentless lapping of little moments, highs and lows.  Each day is an exhausting sprint through quicksand:  the rules are ever-changing, shifting and moving.  It shifts from day to day to minute to minute to hour to hour.

Just.  Keep.  Breathing.

The Lockdown Continues

And so it begins.

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We are here. The end of Summer break, the end of vacation, and the start of something new. I love the Fall, with its’ crisp mornings and cozy sweater weather. I got married in September: fifteen years ago, on a day where it rained around the majority of the city, but miraculously, not on our waterfront slice of heaven.

On the cusp of Labour Day we turn our attention as a family to the coming weeks: football practice, swimming lessons, ultimate and more importantly, homework. We are working together as a family to set everyone up for success: nutritious meal planning, grab-and-go (GF)meal prep, and successful studies.

It’s going to be a full term. Our September calendar is already full, handled expertly by the good people at Google. It will be busy but fun, and full of new friends, new sports and new communities.

We are ready. Clothes are cleaned and re-stocked, the uniform is named, new shoes sitting at the door. We are blessed to be able to do this; I know many families are not able to approach back to school with the same shiny newness.

I look forward to the coming months, and all the new adventure that it will bring our family. I will also consciously remember to breathe deeply through the anxiety, take a minute to reflect and just enjoy the moment.

And so it begins.

And so it begins.

It’s complicated…

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I think I have mentioned before that parenting is like a slow water drip against the forehead, a quiet and incessant silent scream.  It is also a “V” for VICTORY, and a communal shout among us of winning a round: whether discipline, dietary, or watching our kids make the RIGHT choices at the RIGHT time.

We are hitting the Teen Years no harder nor softer than most:  for all the ten FUCKING AMAZING RIGHT DECISIONS my child makes, he makes two radical face-palm-what-were-you-thinking-wait-I-guess-you-weren’t decisions.

Sigh.

We are lucky, we really are.  So far, he still talks to me, and so far, I have a pretty good estimate of what is going on in his head/day/month/year/life.  More so than most.  I want to still believe we are close.

The stuff that matters, he is there.  He is with me.  He lets me in.  I live in terror of him growing silent and withdrawing.  I know from experience.  Silence is the worst.  Silence means you have lost them.  I went silent.  Then it went kinda sideways.

The stupid, inane, annoying, “please just listen to me and respect the rules ‘cause they are there for your protection” stuff is the stuff that he pushes boundaries on.    I should be thankful, but it still annoys the fuck out of me.  I have the latest tech.  I can shut down his phone.  I can block him from wifi.  I don’t want to, but I am a little bit at the end of my rope.

I just want him to understand that as parents go, I (like to think) I’m pretty cool.  Easygoing even,  as ‘cool’ is not a ‘cool’ word for parents to use any more.  I understand.  I really do.  I remember my earlier years vividly, and swore a personal promise to myself a long, long time ago to never ever end up like my parents.

That these stupid “boundaries-for-your-protection” things are annoying, but if we all play by the rules, then we get less and less and less boundaries.

Looking around at the peer group, I really, really am thankful.  There is no illegal, harming or habit-forming behaviours going on with him.  I am thankful.

But it’s complicated.

So tonight, off we go to bed, trying to right the wrongs of the fucked-up parenting decisions that came before us, wrestling with our own demons and previously well-laid paths,  aiming to stay tuned in to our kids, giving them an open dialogue and a platform to be them, all the while blocking the wifi signal, confiscating the TV, and threatening the Worst. Possible. Teenaged. Threat:

The flip-phone.

It’s complicated…

Changes afoot…

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The weather turned today, from the long hot days of August, to waking up to the cool, soothing sound of a gentle (but persistent) August rain.  The plants sure need it:  my Magnolia tree in the back yard is showing the stress.  The new Dogwood  would be happy to flourish with some extra rain.

The sound of rain, the cooler temperatures, the need to snuggle under a blanket is just one more reminder of the major changes about to come to the house.  Back to School is screaming at us from around the corner, we are T-minus 12. Days. Away.

The kids know it, but so far it is only bringing fun things, new things.  There is a new row of shoes at the front door, fresh clothes in drawers, and the shiny promise of fresh stationary.  They are still in bedtime denial, pushing and pushing until well after ten o’clock.  We are trying to pull bedtimes and get them up earlier, but so far, it has been totally ineffective.  And I am not pushing too hard, yet.  I know they have this week, and then the real real reality will set in, and we will be locked in a punishing schedule soon enough.

We return this Fall to two schools and another year of split-focus.  While we await the younger one’s acceptance at his Brother’s school, we are a two-community family, split between two cities, two schools, and two very different schedules.

‘A’ starts football next week, and practices will run daily after school.  It will mean getting home later, doing homework while we make dinner, and going to bed soon after.  It will be a push of discipline and precision timing.   ‘a’ is taking a break from team sports and will instead swim after school, and join his local cross country.   The little brother will not see the sheer volume of work his older brother will, so for now he can continue to ease in.  For the older one, it will be another seismic shift towards learning discipline, responsibility, and effort after the Summer.

For now, however, I am going to take my coffee onto the deck, sit under the tent, and enjoy the last sounds of the Summer.

 

 

Changes afoot…