I am unclear how to measure time right now.  When did we start physically distancing?  Was there a start date or did it slowly creep in?  First it was no masks, now it is masks:  keeping up with the news cycle is a herculean task in of itself.   I find myself breathless and numb every time I check the Canada.ca website for updates.  I am naturally anxious, and this pandemic isn’t helping.

Some days are good, some days are bad.  Some days are extremely dark.  I worry about my partner, who remains in the field (as we have been deemed an essential service) exposing himself to multiple job sites and people daily.  He practices physical distancing, he takes all necessary precautions, and washes his hands regularly.  However, he is a smoker over 40 who is not particularly healthy.   He brings germs home.  He exposes himself and our household every time he leaves the house.

But I must let these thoughts go.  I choose to focus on my children:  we colour Easter eggs, rainbows and hearts for the front window.  I organize a “Good Friday Frolic” – a visual Easter egg hunt for the children of the neighbourhood on Friday.   We will compete to see how many eggs we can ‘collect’ in our virtual baskets.

As a community, we have come together, apart.  I wave to my neighbours each night at the seven o’clock noise making party for the First Responders and Front Line Workers.  I check in with my elderly neighbours.  I marvel at their openness and honesty when we meet in the lane and (from a good 2 meters + apart) they admit they are afraid, and uncertain.  Our WhatsApp chat group has grown to include much of my entire block.  We are all learning Zoom.

I focus on each day at a time, and doing what I can to support my children, my husband and myself.  I try not to consider the awful consequences of one or both of us getting sick.  I withdraw emotionally and shut down frequently.  This is not a tidal wave of emotions, but instead a relentless lapping of little moments, highs and lows.  Each day is an exhausting sprint through quicksand:  the rules are ever-changing, shifting and moving.  It shifts from day to day to minute to minute to hour to hour.

Just.  Keep.  Breathing.